Unsent Letters...

Sometimes I feel incredibly distant as if my life isn’t my own as if I am simply sitting in a movie theater watching this extraordinarily sad and confusing movie.  I keep wanting it to change; wanting the ending to be different so I keep watching and I keep hoping.  I had grand expectations for this trip.  I imagined us laughing together and making new good memories.  I expected it to be rough in the beginning I had unfinished business.  But I also expected to see where you spent your time to see you make the effort to spend time with me I expected for us to get past the bad and move on to the good.  I expected that you would somehow modify your daily routine to include me in it for a few days.  It never occurred to me that you would be so suspicious of me that I wouldn’t be allowed into your room for fear of what I might go through or find.  I never imagined that you would get on Facetime and Oovoo with that girl and stay on for hours as if I wasn’t even visiting as if you hadn’t just spent an entire week with her.  I never imagined that you would not be able to understand why those things left me incredible sad.  Things are worse than I had imagined.  This experience has really allowed me to see the reality of things.  I’m scared because now that I can see the truth.  I know what I have to do.  I used to think that it was the things that you fight for and struggle with the most before earning that have the greatest worth, but now I just feel defeated, drained, tired.  I never ever thought I would really give up on our relationship.  I may come off as strong right now in these moments, I may hide the pain, force back the tears and forgive you every single time that you do something wrong, just like I had hoped you would forgive me all of my wrongs.  I never thought that I would ever feel as if I have had enough that I would ever say the words “I give up”, and “I can’t do this anymore”, and even be closing to meaning it.  Trust me I never really thought this friendship would be over.  I never really wanted to believe that you would ever abuse my love for you, because once you lose my trust in you; you may never get it back.  You may never get me back.  And that would be one of your great tragedies.  I guess lots of things are running through my mind; too many I am getting lost in it all and I guess at this point the questions themselves matter very little, as I already know the answers.  Why did I believe the things that people said?  Why did I cling to them so literally?  Why did I think I knew people when clearly I didn’t?  Why did I imagine that the world would never change, when in fact it’s changing all the time?  Maybe because I didn’t change.  I believed what people said and I stayed the same.  I always have this view in my mind of us laughing of us being able to talk about everything and nothing at the same time.  I hear people ask me in my mind what its like to have a friendship like ours and I just laugh because we had become so much more than friends.  We are family.  In my mind you recognize how amazing I am you value and love me.  You tell me all the time.  Eh. But the reality is we are barely strangers.  You will read this and it will cease to move you.  You will breathe easier knowing that I have gone.  You will gratefully celebrate the fact that you have one less person to worry about in your life, and that my love is the most painful part of all this- you won’t even really think about it.  It won’t evoke sadness or loss just a mild annoyance and then you will dismiss it and move on with your life.

I had an epiphany today.  Whew I am so glad I thought I might have wasted these past months of my life and not learned a single thing about how to live my life instead of merely existing.  I just realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever.  Writing is a poor excuse, movies are a poor excuse, books are a poor excuse even friendships and relationships are a poor excuse I know this. But it helps me remember… and I need to remember I have to remember… its just that sometimes I forget…I lose sight…there’s just so much beauty in the world, and when I finally open my eyes and really see it I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart is just going to cave in.  I have to literally stop what I am doing and just breathe.  Slowly.  In, hold it, and then out.  Sometimes I touch my face and find tears there and at that point I realize its supposed to be like this.  That most beautiful things are created in the struggle of it all.  I often wonder what my dad was thinking right before his eyes closed that last time.  People say that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes.  I wonder what he saw.  I know he saw his sisters and his mom, and his dad and then my mom and my sister and I, but the rest I don’t know he had experienced so much.  I bet that whatever it was, it was extraordinary because my god did he live. So it made me wonder what I would see what would flash in front of my eyes, and I think I wouldn’t want it to be just a flash but a moment that stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it would be sitting on my dads lap smelling his after shave, and the few seconds right before the whistle blows at the start of my soccer games-when I can hear my own breathing I always reminded myself to be thankful for the next 90 minutes, and volleyball games, and my sister laughing, and singing, and dancing, and talking, and my sister being my sister whew is she spectacular I wish and hope you get to know her better someday, and meeting Jawaan for the first time, and laughing with him at least once everyday since, and Sacha my complete opposite she made me a better person and has been by my side everyday since we first met in college, and the cheerleaders, ALL of them, and winning state championships and 6 am practices, and meeting Malory who showed me how to find my faith and supported me and loved me she literally showed me what kind of teacher I wanted to be, and Shannon Walker and Ashlei Spivey and Michaela Dailey, and the friend that got away Laura, it would be loving Ryan for the first time and then meeting Red and seeing what love really is and Eric… And sitting in the backyard next to the pond on the perfect day, and watching the sunset… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way every time she smiled I saw it all the way to her eyes… and Ramiah, R-a-y-o-n-a and Joy, Tab, Cam, Amber, and Lindsey and Chris, Nia, Q and Monique, and all of my soccer players, you guys were the beginning of my career, what I learned from your priceless, unique and beautiful personalities, hmmm I learned…well pretty much everything lol.  And all of my students the ones who taught me how to really live, and the first time I saw you run…it was beautiful… took my breath away, and finding the perfect song and listening to it until I know all the words and can sing it at the top of my lungs, and reading a good book no a spectacular book, and watching a movie or tv show that makes me feel something, anything, and my brother singing,  and my Aunts the most incredible and gifted group of women that I have ever known, and my uncle who reminds me of my dad-they have the same smile-the same laugh and such purely good hearts.  And my cousins ALL of my cousins you can never feel alone with so much family, and you,  And my Mom… And my Mom no one has ever loved me the way she does… And…my Dad 31 years worth of memories but mostly his laugh and the sound of his voice and his bottomless wisdom, and the way he would hold my hand he thought his hands were beautiful lol, and the one armed hugs and the love he surrounded me in every second of every hour of every day oh my goodness have I been  loved and I have loved to the very tips of my fingers.  So I guess I could be pretty pissed off, pretty sad about what I have lost, what I can never get back, and what was never mine to begin with… but it’s so hard to stay mad so hard to stay lost when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes when I least expect it I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, it overwhelms me, it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, to stop trying to change it, to stop trying to rush it or keep it forever and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my ordinary life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure of it.  I hope you find it or it finds you, I hope it fills you with unfaltering joy and before the end you realize what’s what and you hold on-tightly and that you open up and feel.  But your life will be anything but ordinary so don’t worry… someday; someday you will and all this will make perfect sense.